I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
