I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
