Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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