Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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