My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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