i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
