How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
