we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
