My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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