If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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