Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
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