Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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