Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
