also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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