Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
