My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
