honey bunches of taint.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
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