I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i can't believe i had my finger in that
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
We left the knife in your bed.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
