Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
