all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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