She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
