Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
