my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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