I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
