i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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