did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
