shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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