then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
