another moral hangover. fuck.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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