I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
