Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
