I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize