He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
