How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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