i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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