the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
