At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
