I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
