No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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