The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
