OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
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