i may or may not be watching the land before time
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
