you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
