so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
