it wasn't lemon gatorade
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
