I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
