see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
