You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
