I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
When did angry sex become our thing?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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