OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Drake has all the answers
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
