Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
