She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
