I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
