just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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