Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
