please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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