My first STD was from a foam party
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
